Thankful

I have been thinking about what I am thankful for. Well here goes (in no particular order): 

My husband. He is the most kind, caring, understandable, loving, awesomtastic husband.
Tristan. He tests my patience every chance he can. And it keeps me going.
Blakely. My little doppelganger. She's turning into quite the diva though. She keeps us on our toes and we are always a step behind her.  
Medication. Although I HATE taking meds I am thankful for them when they are working (which they currently have been working amazingly for 4 weeks)
Dr Pepper. Yup I'm thankful for it.
My loki. He is my therapy dog. He knows when I'm not doing good and comforts me. 
George. My dumb fat rat that I love to the moon and back. 
Sasha fierce. My little crack rat. I love/hate her most days. 
Roof over my head. 
Food to eat. 
My new car. Although its not the perfect car I am thankful we have one. 
My cell phone. I can distract my kids when I need to and keep busy.
KitchenAid. Hubs just bought me one and I think I might sleep with it tonight. Im that happy.
Friends. I only have a handful of close ones (they know who they are) but they are all I need. 
My mom. Although we have never had the "perfect" relationship I at least still have her and know she's there and I love her. 
My (step) dad. For filling in a hole that was there. For being the dad I always wanted. 
Emma. Best little sister in the world. She's my best friend. 
Chris. Big brother who looks out for me and I look out for him.
Josh. Currently not speaking to him but still thankful hes my little brother. 
My cameras. Yes more than one. My canon for doing photo shoots and waterproof one for keeping up with my monsters. 
Mustaches. Probably saw that one coming if you know me well enough. 
My husbands job. Sure he may hate it but it keeps our family alive. 
The church. Im LDS and proud to say I am. 
Braces. After 3 years of wearing them Im so thankful for how perfect my teeth are. Finally. 
Dr Pepper flavored bubble gum. Cuz I can.
Dr's and therapist' who have helped me in my struggles with depression. Helping me stay alive long enough to get out of my black hole and realize I do want to be alive. 
Blessing. Im so thankful that john(and other men) is able to give them to us in times of need.
Hoodies. I could live in them. 
My kids. Yes again. They are a main reason I keep going when I don't want to keep going. 
People in my past. Thankful they are in the past.
Ability to cook. I know how to cook and am pretty darn good at it but lazy. 
Ability to sew. Im thankful my grandma taught me young how to sew. Its a hidden talent that I love. 
Pumpkin rolls. Cooking second one currently and they are delish. Be jealous you cant have some :p
Starbucks runs with my cynthia. 

My in laws. They are the best around. Caring and loving.

Utah and the beauty it has.  I love being in the canyon.

Family.  

Its been 2 years since my last post. A lot has happened between then and now. Last time i blogged miss Blakely was 3 months old. She is 2 1/2. Tristan is now 4 1/2. They keep me busy that's for sure. Tristan is in preschool 3 times a week. The few hours he is there gives Blakely and I a little mommy daughter time. I need time away from him most days. His energy is outta this world. He gets that from yours truly. They both keep me up on my toes that's for sure.

Warning. Honest openness is written on this blog. Starting....now....
Its been a rough year and a half. We moved to af and have been here over a year. Which is a long time considering our recent places. We were basically forced to moved due to an old neighbor harassing the crap outta me and my family. So We found it best to just leave. And so far it has been calm calm calm. He still tells neighbors that i am the reason for things that go on. Move on bro. You're 45 and single. He honestly is pissed because i rejected his moves on me. I'm thankful its over. During last summer I was having a hard time with a death and an anniversary of a friends death. And then dealing with the harassment only made it worse. I was in a VERY low state and was having some psychosis going on. From the parts I remember it was HORRIBLE. My kids had to see mom in a way they shouldn't have to. I was eventually taken to the hospital for inpatient help. There was many fights between the neighbor, my dr's, close friends and john that happened. And for the most part I wasn't mentally even there. After my stay I was really good. We moved quickly with the help of my Dr. And I was awesome for almost 5 months. Of course I had my up and downs but not bottom pits. February came and a fight broke out between my mom and brother at tristans birthday party. I somehow got blamed for it. I eventually chewed my brother out for the way he acted and the way he was treating me and kicked him out and told him he's no longer welcome. And I still have yet to talk to him. I'm not going to be pushed around by an 13 yr old and have him tell me and my kids what to do. And because of it my mom still isn't talking to me. Again. Same thing. Different year. If there's a fight it usually have My brother as the main reason. Although she would disagree. But whatever. Its water in the river. I have definitely had my downs this year. So down I eventually checked myself in to hospital. I was at the point of standing in the kitchen holding my meds and convincing myself to just take one. Sitting in the office playing with a razor. Writing things I shouldn't be writing. And when I'm as black as I have been I just want out. I don't like feeling that way. I want my kids to have a mom that is happy and healthy. But at the some time I want the pain gone. I love my family more than anything. And I'd do anything for them. Which is why I've gotten help and am getting help. I had a lady call me a bad mom for abandoning my kids to go to hospital. You're right getting help is abandonment. There is never a second I'm not thinking of how to be what they need. deserve.
I'm on 3 weeks now of feeling great. It scares me but I'm happy at the same time. I've been crafting like crazy and keeping up on cleaning house.