I read a post from a guy that stated that depression is a choice. Suicide is a choice. That you are not free. And a few other things that got my blood to boil. This is all due to Robin Williams committing suicide. The passing of Robin Williams has been hard on myself and many around the world. He was hilarious and a great guy. He brought so much joy to so many people. I grew up watching his movies and now my kids are being brought up watching him. To the world he looked like he lead a good life. He was always funny and upbeat. But it was all just a front to hide the real him. He was obviously in a deep dark place to be able to commit suicide. I read that 121 million people have depression. I like them do have depression and anxiety. I also have BPD or borderline personality disorder. I have struggled for many years with this. I've been to many therapists. I've been admitted to the hospital 3 times because of suicidal tendencies. I've been in holes so deep and so dark that I can barely move. It eats at you. Destroys relationships and friendships. It drains you and allows you to do nothing. I have never "chosen" to be in those dark holes. Why would I or anyone else? I don't do it for the attention. I will gladly take no more dark holes. I don't think anyone chooses to get that low. Robin Williams just proves that the fame or being rich or being one of the happiest guys doesn't always bring you happiness. There was obviously something else bigger going on behind closed doors. Yea sure suicide is a choice and it is a selfish thing to do but sometimes one feels that is the only option. Some people don't know where to begin to tell someone and get help. Some don't have the resources to get help. Some people try to get help and don't receive it. When I'm at my darkest I don't seek help. I don't have the motivation to do so. But my friends and family know when I'm getting low and they put 110% effort into getting me out and not allowing myself to commit suicide. And I'm thankful everyday that they have been there to help me more than once. I believe that when you die from suicide Heavenly Father shows love and compassion towards you and you are still welcomed into Heaven. Some will say you just go straight to hell but I don't believe he would do that to his children. He knows the pain and struggle they are feeling. He knows the circumstances around your choice. And yes you are free from the pain and suffering when you die. You are whole and perfect again. Some might disagree with me and that's fine. I know that He is there when I need Him and He knows the way I am feeling. As he does for everyone. The guy that wrote the paragraph also said it is not a disease. And he is correct on that. It is a mental disorder. But it does control you. Its not like cancer when its something physically wrong with your body. It's not an easy thing to deal with though and about 30,000 Americans commit suicide each year. 1 in 65,00 kids between 10 and 14 commit suicide. Those are sad numbers. The number one reason for suicides is depression. Once again it is NOT a choice. I'm sorry if you fell like it is. I hope that this will bring a lot more much needed attention to suicide and allow compassion towards these people and their family and friends. I hope you and anyone else doesn't have to deal with depression. 

These articles are a good one to read. 
http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexisnedd/things-nobody-tells-you-about-being-depressed
http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=705D5DF4-055B-F1EC-3F66462866FCB4E6

Brian the instigator

Jan 2 2013, 

     One of the worst day I've had to deal with. Someone close, like family, suddenly died. I remember when I got the call. I was carpet cleaning my office and john bought me the phone. I had a few texts and missed calls. i look down and it said Landen was calling me. Immediately i though something was wrong. I remember hearing him talking very quiet and I wasn't prepared for what he said. "Sarah my daddy died." It didn't register so I asked him to repeat and this time and he started crying and said my daddy died. I said Ill be right there. I left the carpet cleaner on, slipped on some flip flops and bolted out the door yelling "brian died. I gotta go." it was 11 degrees outside and i was in shorts and flip flops and there was snow on the ground but all that mattered is that I needed to get to my babies and their mom. I made it from af to their house in orem in 4 mins. Thank you dodge charger. As soon as I opened the door Bella grabbed me and held on tight, We bawled. It didn't hit me till that moment. I've never want to have to hold a 14 yr old cuz her dad died. Its a horrible feeling. I then went and hugged Teresa for days. Dev was downstairs punching things and pissed off. I stopped him for hitting another wall and just hugged him. Hes 6 something so hes obviously way taller than me. But the hug felt like i was hugging a 4 yr old. And as soon as he started crying he turned away from me. 

     Until this day I have never been this close to someone passing. I saw the guy everyday. Ive had many deaths in the last 2 years and Im kinda ready to be done. It is heart wrenching to have to watch your bff loose her husband and bff. To watch an 17 yr old and a 16 yr old loose their role model, support and father. To watch a 15 yr old and 14 yr old loose their daddy. Their bff, protector, security, and love of their life. I loss a great guy who loved his family and was the best dad around. His kids looked up to him for support and help. He was always ready to help his kids in anyway. He was VERY protective of whit and bella. it took him a bit to trust me and know it was ok for them to be around me. In 2012 whitley fell off a swing and sliced her leg open. It was a er visit for sure. I heard commotion and so I went to look and he carried her like a bodyguard getting away from paparazzi. He wasn't  to fond of me yet and thought I was there to make fun of whit. He then found out i was trying to help and was very sorry and happy. 

    Its been a rough year without him. Ive stepped in as comic relief. I try my hardest to keep spirits high for them. Im just soooo angry. Even still now. Angry that Heavenly Father took him from a family with kids. A family that needs their dad and a wife who is alone without her best friend. Angry because then and most of the year I have been suicidal and want to just be dead. And although I have to be here with my kids I just wished that I could just end it all. And yet he was taken from us. 

       He won't be there for dances, graduation, marriage, grandkids etc. I know first hand that it sticks to not have dad around (mine by choice) To not have a dad to be there for you when you need him. I watch my bff cry all the time and is pain daily from loosing her bff. I see 4 kids also in pain.  Deven, landen, bella and whitley I love you guys so much and I know your parents do too. Your dad is just watching from a different angle.

       Brian you're loved and missed every day.  Ijust can't believe Iits been a year