Be prepared for a long one.......

Since my last post a lot has happened. In the last one I mentioned my depression and how its getting bad. Well its only gotten worse. I have had a lot of different stressor's on my plate. Then I talk with a friend and a whole ton of stuff was brought up and I think it just threw me over the edge. I started feeling very suicidal last wed night. I wasn't feeling emotionally suicidal just chemically. My heart was saying its not worth it, your family and friends love you, Tristan needs you, it's selfish. But my brain was saying your worthless, no one needs you, take some pills, drive off the mountain, go die. I knew deep inside I wouldn't do anything but then again the feeling was so strong to do so. I was at the time staying in Heber with a friend and she talked me outta being dumb and kept me sane. But I left her place without saying bye and when she texted all I said was I still wanted to die. She said get to a hospital or Im calling the cops. And stubborn me told her to screw off. Only making matters worse. I blew up on her and said a lot of things I shouldnt and now we arent speaking. She wants time but its hard cuz shes my bestie. But time is what she wants and I'm gonna respect it. If you read this Im sorry I said those things and still want to be friends. If youll have me back that would be awesome. If not, I understand. Anyways. So I went to John's work and sat and talked with him and then we went to a park to talk. I also let my dr office know what was going on and waited for my dr to call back. We got home and she finally called. I told her what was going on and she said: either go pick up these pills I called in or go to the hospital. Well once again Im stubborn. So I basically told her no I wasnt going to go in. But then while taking a shower with Johnny I broke down crying and had a strong feeling to go in. So I got ready, got a blessing and said bye to the family. While I was doing so, I got a text from sperm donor and it made me go ballistic. I was so beyond pissed that he would text me after I told him never to talk to me again. Johnny drove me up to Provo e.r. and then we sat there from 7 pm to 1 am waiting. I finally went upstairs to start my 4 day journey of getting new meds, talking with counselors, group therapy, and healing. It was honestly worth every dime, time and effort put into it. It was hard Im not gonna lie and my depression is still kinda here but it helped a lot. I have to say I was honestly the sanest person there. My problems felt like nothing compared to some of the stories I heard. I made a couple of new friends whom are going threw kinda the same thing. They are awesome girls. I want to say a special thanks to hubs for being there evey day when you were aloud to be and calling and being supportive even though I know it was hard. Also thanks to those who stopped by or called. Also those who kept us in your prayers. It means a lot. Since getting out I have a ton of stress, which of course is alwyas gonna be there. I handeled one BIG stressor. His name is Mark and is my "dad". I went to the cops and told them all thats been going on and told him to leave me alone or I can slap a stalker report and phone harrasment on him. Hopefully he will get the picture. One down. More to go. I start therapy on monday in provo and will be going to another one here in town. Im also on new meds which are so far good. As far as Tristan goes, I came home and he is fully crawling. UH-OH!!!! He climbs stairs too. He so much fun though. His K-9 wasnt actually his K-9. He has his top left front tooth and the one next to that and is getting the two on the other side.His smile is funny. I think he should be a vampire for halloween. Below are some pics from bath time, Johnny and Tristan with crazy after a hard day hair, and my new hair cut and color. Anyways my sleep med is kicking in so until next time.

First your probably wondering why my blog isnt blocked anymore. There are a few (old) people who cant figure the whole being blocked thing out. So I honestly dont care if HE can read it. I told him it was blocked so lets hope he stops trying. anyways. Things have been crazy around here. Tristan not only fully has his bottom two teeth but he is now getting his top right side K-9 tooth.

Ugh. This has been the hardest tooth yet. He has been a terror. Plus hes sick. It hasnt been a good week. He only wantss to sleep with his head on my chest so he can hear my heart beat. Which is really hard when I cant sit still and he gets pissed when I move. And now I'm pretty sure I have strep throat. Again. Yum. I need to get those tonsils out so that it will stop. Every year for the past who knows how long I have gotten that and bronchitis. I went to an ortho surgeon last week to figure out my knee. He said just from feeling it he thinks there is a small ligament tear and the MRI confirmed that.Which they didnt see before. He also said my cartilage could be bruised. He gave me some anti-inflamatories(?) and told me to wait 3-6 moonths and hopefully it will be better. If not he recommends a scope so he can see and fix whats going on. Also this post pardum thing is still not gone :( Some days it just gets worse. Im on anti depressants and also just got on anxiety pills to help. It just sucks and I want it all gone. Anyways. Back to eating my mashed potatoes cuz its all that doesnt hurt to eat.

Slacking

Yea Ive been a slacker. Ive just been too busy or too lazy to post anything. Alot has been going on. I had to get an MRI last month cuz of my migraines and eyes hurting. I also went to a neurologist and a eye dr. From both of them and the MRI I still have no idea what is wrong. They gave me some meds to try but they arent strong enough or the others knock me out. So bacically I suffer. Ive had them for so long I just have learned to deal with them. Johnny has been working, working, working. Well kinda at least. His section at work has produced the parts they need but the people who buy them usually arent buying them. So he basically sits around all day. Tristan has had his stupid HELLmet :D on now for 3 weeks. It has literally been hell having that thing. It worked out great for almost a week. Then he fell off the bed and we left it off for that night. The next morning I could not get it for the life of me. I started having an anixety attack cuz it was making him cry and wouldnt go on. I felt terrible. So I drove back up to salt lake and had them fix it. Well he didnt fix it right. It put pressure on his skull and it caused a welt about a quarter size and stuck out about an inch. It killed him. So I drove back up to Salt lake and had them fix it again. This time he put a bubble where that welt was. Now he just freaking hates that stupid thing and screams bloody murder whenever we put it on. He also sits there and shakes his head no when we bring it out which of course makes it harder to put on. He will start doing the purple cry. Lips are purple and he makes no noise for a while. I absolutely hate it. I have also been getting a lot of photography practice. With friends doing shoots and Megan taking me and showing me a few pointers. I love taking pictures and cant wait till Im as good as the best. The video is funny at the bottom. Johnny was playing basketball and Tristan found it hilarious. Enjoy.