Be prepared for a long one.......

Since my last post a lot has happened. In the last one I mentioned my depression and how its getting bad. Well its only gotten worse. I have had a lot of different stressor's on my plate. Then I talk with a friend and a whole ton of stuff was brought up and I think it just threw me over the edge. I started feeling very suicidal last wed night. I wasn't feeling emotionally suicidal just chemically. My heart was saying its not worth it, your family and friends love you, Tristan needs you, it's selfish. But my brain was saying your worthless, no one needs you, take some pills, drive off the mountain, go die. I knew deep inside I wouldn't do anything but then again the feeling was so strong to do so. I was at the time staying in Heber with a friend and she talked me outta being dumb and kept me sane. But I left her place without saying bye and when she texted all I said was I still wanted to die. She said get to a hospital or Im calling the cops. And stubborn me told her to screw off. Only making matters worse. I blew up on her and said a lot of things I shouldnt and now we arent speaking. She wants time but its hard cuz shes my bestie. But time is what she wants and I'm gonna respect it. If you read this Im sorry I said those things and still want to be friends. If youll have me back that would be awesome. If not, I understand. Anyways. So I went to John's work and sat and talked with him and then we went to a park to talk. I also let my dr office know what was going on and waited for my dr to call back. We got home and she finally called. I told her what was going on and she said: either go pick up these pills I called in or go to the hospital. Well once again Im stubborn. So I basically told her no I wasnt going to go in. But then while taking a shower with Johnny I broke down crying and had a strong feeling to go in. So I got ready, got a blessing and said bye to the family. While I was doing so, I got a text from sperm donor and it made me go ballistic. I was so beyond pissed that he would text me after I told him never to talk to me again. Johnny drove me up to Provo e.r. and then we sat there from 7 pm to 1 am waiting. I finally went upstairs to start my 4 day journey of getting new meds, talking with counselors, group therapy, and healing. It was honestly worth every dime, time and effort put into it. It was hard Im not gonna lie and my depression is still kinda here but it helped a lot. I have to say I was honestly the sanest person there. My problems felt like nothing compared to some of the stories I heard. I made a couple of new friends whom are going threw kinda the same thing. They are awesome girls. I want to say a special thanks to hubs for being there evey day when you were aloud to be and calling and being supportive even though I know it was hard. Also thanks to those who stopped by or called. Also those who kept us in your prayers. It means a lot. Since getting out I have a ton of stress, which of course is alwyas gonna be there. I handeled one BIG stressor. His name is Mark and is my "dad". I went to the cops and told them all thats been going on and told him to leave me alone or I can slap a stalker report and phone harrasment on him. Hopefully he will get the picture. One down. More to go. I start therapy on monday in provo and will be going to another one here in town. Im also on new meds which are so far good. As far as Tristan goes, I came home and he is fully crawling. UH-OH!!!! He climbs stairs too. He so much fun though. His K-9 wasnt actually his K-9. He has his top left front tooth and the one next to that and is getting the two on the other side.His smile is funny. I think he should be a vampire for halloween. Below are some pics from bath time, Johnny and Tristan with crazy after a hard day hair, and my new hair cut and color. Anyways my sleep med is kicking in so until next time.