Dear survivor,

Dear survivor,
   That's what you are. Not a victim. A victim is usually believed to be dead. But you are here. And you are alive. And you somehow were able to make it out. Even though some days you may feel like you haven't made it out. I myself am a survivor. I've never once called myself a victim and I correct people when they call me that. I just don't like it. I feels weird. I am quoting this on Christmas eve 2015. Fifteen years exactly to day when I was raped. Its one of for times that I was raped by my older brother when I was 12 and he was 14. The only "date" and one I  know when it happened was today. I won't go into detail because the point of this is to do the opposite of triggering people. I want to be able to help and let you know that it might be hard but you can live a normal life. I still face struggles and have flashbacks and days where I don't want to move. I get suicidal. I cry. Ive been hospitalized. But I also don't let my perp see those things so that he doesn't think he won.  Like I said it was my older brother. For 7 years I didn't speak a word to him. Until I had my first born. Then I slowly let him back into my life. It didn't take until earlier this year for me to finally tell my parents about all of the times and seek counseling and go to a group for people who have been raped. I also emailed my brother calling him out and basically demanding an apology. Which he gave me in a phone call within 10 mins of the email being sent. It was good to hear an apology and some what of a reason as to why he did it. There's still no excuse for it but I'm at least able to start the process of forgiving. I know most survivors don't get that from the scum of the earth that hurt them and I personally know that doesn't help in the healing part. But you don't need it in order to move on. You can do this.  You are strong. This was NOT your fault. Your clothes didn't make him rape you. The way you were dancing or acting or the amount you drank dodnt make him rape you. If you said no and they did it anyways then it is not your fault. Don't keep silent. It may be scary to tell people. They may not believe you. They may turn against you. But they might also be there 100% and help you.  Those who don't believe rape survivors are just as bad as rapists. Your voice matters. Speak up. Get help. Write it out. Forgive when and if you can. Dont let  the scum control your life. Don't let them win. You've got this. You're not alone. You're NEVER alone. There's many more of us out here for you willing to help. All you have to do is ask.

Love,
   A survivor

I read a post from a guy that stated that depression is a choice. Suicide is a choice. That you are not free. And a few other things that got my blood to boil. This is all due to Robin Williams committing suicide. The passing of Robin Williams has been hard on myself and many around the world. He was hilarious and a great guy. He brought so much joy to so many people. I grew up watching his movies and now my kids are being brought up watching him. To the world he looked like he lead a good life. He was always funny and upbeat. But it was all just a front to hide the real him. He was obviously in a deep dark place to be able to commit suicide. I read that 121 million people have depression. I like them do have depression and anxiety. I also have BPD or borderline personality disorder. I have struggled for many years with this. I've been to many therapists. I've been admitted to the hospital 3 times because of suicidal tendencies. I've been in holes so deep and so dark that I can barely move. It eats at you. Destroys relationships and friendships. It drains you and allows you to do nothing. I have never "chosen" to be in those dark holes. Why would I or anyone else? I don't do it for the attention. I will gladly take no more dark holes. I don't think anyone chooses to get that low. Robin Williams just proves that the fame or being rich or being one of the happiest guys doesn't always bring you happiness. There was obviously something else bigger going on behind closed doors. Yea sure suicide is a choice and it is a selfish thing to do but sometimes one feels that is the only option. Some people don't know where to begin to tell someone and get help. Some don't have the resources to get help. Some people try to get help and don't receive it. When I'm at my darkest I don't seek help. I don't have the motivation to do so. But my friends and family know when I'm getting low and they put 110% effort into getting me out and not allowing myself to commit suicide. And I'm thankful everyday that they have been there to help me more than once. I believe that when you die from suicide Heavenly Father shows love and compassion towards you and you are still welcomed into Heaven. Some will say you just go straight to hell but I don't believe he would do that to his children. He knows the pain and struggle they are feeling. He knows the circumstances around your choice. And yes you are free from the pain and suffering when you die. You are whole and perfect again. Some might disagree with me and that's fine. I know that He is there when I need Him and He knows the way I am feeling. As he does for everyone. The guy that wrote the paragraph also said it is not a disease. And he is correct on that. It is a mental disorder. But it does control you. Its not like cancer when its something physically wrong with your body. It's not an easy thing to deal with though and about 30,000 Americans commit suicide each year. 1 in 65,00 kids between 10 and 14 commit suicide. Those are sad numbers. The number one reason for suicides is depression. Once again it is NOT a choice. I'm sorry if you fell like it is. I hope that this will bring a lot more much needed attention to suicide and allow compassion towards these people and their family and friends. I hope you and anyone else doesn't have to deal with depression. 

These articles are a good one to read. 
http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexisnedd/things-nobody-tells-you-about-being-depressed
http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=705D5DF4-055B-F1EC-3F66462866FCB4E6

Brian the instigator

Jan 2 2013, 

     One of the worst day I've had to deal with. Someone close, like family, suddenly died. I remember when I got the call. I was carpet cleaning my office and john bought me the phone. I had a few texts and missed calls. i look down and it said Landen was calling me. Immediately i though something was wrong. I remember hearing him talking very quiet and I wasn't prepared for what he said. "Sarah my daddy died." It didn't register so I asked him to repeat and this time and he started crying and said my daddy died. I said Ill be right there. I left the carpet cleaner on, slipped on some flip flops and bolted out the door yelling "brian died. I gotta go." it was 11 degrees outside and i was in shorts and flip flops and there was snow on the ground but all that mattered is that I needed to get to my babies and their mom. I made it from af to their house in orem in 4 mins. Thank you dodge charger. As soon as I opened the door Bella grabbed me and held on tight, We bawled. It didn't hit me till that moment. I've never want to have to hold a 14 yr old cuz her dad died. Its a horrible feeling. I then went and hugged Teresa for days. Dev was downstairs punching things and pissed off. I stopped him for hitting another wall and just hugged him. Hes 6 something so hes obviously way taller than me. But the hug felt like i was hugging a 4 yr old. And as soon as he started crying he turned away from me. 

     Until this day I have never been this close to someone passing. I saw the guy everyday. Ive had many deaths in the last 2 years and Im kinda ready to be done. It is heart wrenching to have to watch your bff loose her husband and bff. To watch an 17 yr old and a 16 yr old loose their role model, support and father. To watch a 15 yr old and 14 yr old loose their daddy. Their bff, protector, security, and love of their life. I loss a great guy who loved his family and was the best dad around. His kids looked up to him for support and help. He was always ready to help his kids in anyway. He was VERY protective of whit and bella. it took him a bit to trust me and know it was ok for them to be around me. In 2012 whitley fell off a swing and sliced her leg open. It was a er visit for sure. I heard commotion and so I went to look and he carried her like a bodyguard getting away from paparazzi. He wasn't  to fond of me yet and thought I was there to make fun of whit. He then found out i was trying to help and was very sorry and happy. 

    Its been a rough year without him. Ive stepped in as comic relief. I try my hardest to keep spirits high for them. Im just soooo angry. Even still now. Angry that Heavenly Father took him from a family with kids. A family that needs their dad and a wife who is alone without her best friend. Angry because then and most of the year I have been suicidal and want to just be dead. And although I have to be here with my kids I just wished that I could just end it all. And yet he was taken from us. 

       He won't be there for dances, graduation, marriage, grandkids etc. I know first hand that it sticks to not have dad around (mine by choice) To not have a dad to be there for you when you need him. I watch my bff cry all the time and is pain daily from loosing her bff. I see 4 kids also in pain.  Deven, landen, bella and whitley I love you guys so much and I know your parents do too. Your dad is just watching from a different angle.

       Brian you're loved and missed every day.  Ijust can't believe Iits been a year 

Thankful

I have been thinking about what I am thankful for. Well here goes (in no particular order): 

My husband. He is the most kind, caring, understandable, loving, awesomtastic husband.
Tristan. He tests my patience every chance he can. And it keeps me going.
Blakely. My little doppelganger. She's turning into quite the diva though. She keeps us on our toes and we are always a step behind her.  
Medication. Although I HATE taking meds I am thankful for them when they are working (which they currently have been working amazingly for 4 weeks)
Dr Pepper. Yup I'm thankful for it.
My loki. He is my therapy dog. He knows when I'm not doing good and comforts me. 
George. My dumb fat rat that I love to the moon and back. 
Sasha fierce. My little crack rat. I love/hate her most days. 
Roof over my head. 
Food to eat. 
My new car. Although its not the perfect car I am thankful we have one. 
My cell phone. I can distract my kids when I need to and keep busy.
KitchenAid. Hubs just bought me one and I think I might sleep with it tonight. Im that happy.
Friends. I only have a handful of close ones (they know who they are) but they are all I need. 
My mom. Although we have never had the "perfect" relationship I at least still have her and know she's there and I love her. 
My (step) dad. For filling in a hole that was there. For being the dad I always wanted. 
Emma. Best little sister in the world. She's my best friend. 
Chris. Big brother who looks out for me and I look out for him.
Josh. Currently not speaking to him but still thankful hes my little brother. 
My cameras. Yes more than one. My canon for doing photo shoots and waterproof one for keeping up with my monsters. 
Mustaches. Probably saw that one coming if you know me well enough. 
My husbands job. Sure he may hate it but it keeps our family alive. 
The church. Im LDS and proud to say I am. 
Braces. After 3 years of wearing them Im so thankful for how perfect my teeth are. Finally. 
Dr Pepper flavored bubble gum. Cuz I can.
Dr's and therapist' who have helped me in my struggles with depression. Helping me stay alive long enough to get out of my black hole and realize I do want to be alive. 
Blessing. Im so thankful that john(and other men) is able to give them to us in times of need.
Hoodies. I could live in them. 
My kids. Yes again. They are a main reason I keep going when I don't want to keep going. 
People in my past. Thankful they are in the past.
Ability to cook. I know how to cook and am pretty darn good at it but lazy. 
Ability to sew. Im thankful my grandma taught me young how to sew. Its a hidden talent that I love. 
Pumpkin rolls. Cooking second one currently and they are delish. Be jealous you cant have some :p
Starbucks runs with my cynthia. 

My in laws. They are the best around. Caring and loving.

Utah and the beauty it has.  I love being in the canyon.

Family.  

Its been 2 years since my last post. A lot has happened between then and now. Last time i blogged miss Blakely was 3 months old. She is 2 1/2. Tristan is now 4 1/2. They keep me busy that's for sure. Tristan is in preschool 3 times a week. The few hours he is there gives Blakely and I a little mommy daughter time. I need time away from him most days. His energy is outta this world. He gets that from yours truly. They both keep me up on my toes that's for sure.

Warning. Honest openness is written on this blog. Starting....now....
Its been a rough year and a half. We moved to af and have been here over a year. Which is a long time considering our recent places. We were basically forced to moved due to an old neighbor harassing the crap outta me and my family. So We found it best to just leave. And so far it has been calm calm calm. He still tells neighbors that i am the reason for things that go on. Move on bro. You're 45 and single. He honestly is pissed because i rejected his moves on me. I'm thankful its over. During last summer I was having a hard time with a death and an anniversary of a friends death. And then dealing with the harassment only made it worse. I was in a VERY low state and was having some psychosis going on. From the parts I remember it was HORRIBLE. My kids had to see mom in a way they shouldn't have to. I was eventually taken to the hospital for inpatient help. There was many fights between the neighbor, my dr's, close friends and john that happened. And for the most part I wasn't mentally even there. After my stay I was really good. We moved quickly with the help of my Dr. And I was awesome for almost 5 months. Of course I had my up and downs but not bottom pits. February came and a fight broke out between my mom and brother at tristans birthday party. I somehow got blamed for it. I eventually chewed my brother out for the way he acted and the way he was treating me and kicked him out and told him he's no longer welcome. And I still have yet to talk to him. I'm not going to be pushed around by an 13 yr old and have him tell me and my kids what to do. And because of it my mom still isn't talking to me. Again. Same thing. Different year. If there's a fight it usually have My brother as the main reason. Although she would disagree. But whatever. Its water in the river. I have definitely had my downs this year. So down I eventually checked myself in to hospital. I was at the point of standing in the kitchen holding my meds and convincing myself to just take one. Sitting in the office playing with a razor. Writing things I shouldn't be writing. And when I'm as black as I have been I just want out. I don't like feeling that way. I want my kids to have a mom that is happy and healthy. But at the some time I want the pain gone. I love my family more than anything. And I'd do anything for them. Which is why I've gotten help and am getting help. I had a lady call me a bad mom for abandoning my kids to go to hospital. You're right getting help is abandonment. There is never a second I'm not thinking of how to be what they need. deserve.
I'm on 3 weeks now of feeling great. It scares me but I'm happy at the same time. I've been crafting like crazy and keeping up on cleaning house.

Supermom?

That's what I was called today at my Ortho appointment. I was talking to the girl about life and things going on and she looked at me and said "well we have a supermom on our hands!" I'll take that. I try my hardest everyday to do what I can for my kids and husband. The main reason she said it is because we were talking about being dependent and I said I'm VERY independent and have to do things myself. For example my surgeries I have had. My Knee, appendix and last weeks tonsils surgery. I hate being waited on and having to have people do things for me and even when I'm drugged outta my mind I still try to do it all and usually over work myself. Oh well right? We have been dealing with a TON lately. We are hanging on and waiting to be able to breathe again. We for sure need a break. At least John and I do.

I got my tonsils out at the end of July. Which is why I haven't blogged for a bit. I was scared to blog on drugs. Who knows if it would even be readable. haha. I must say this last almost 2 weeks have been hell!!!! I would rather have another baby or knee surgery or anything other then that. Mouth/throat pain is the worst!!! But I'm excited to not be sick anymore. Hopefully. When I go in for my check up Tristan is getting his tonsils looked at and will have to get his out too. Not too excited for that one. It still kills to yawn but for the most part I feel ok. It still hurts but it's at least tolerable.

July 30th would have been my sister Michelle's 21st birthday. I can't wait till the day I get to meet her. I have felt her around us since Blakely has been born. One story I haven't shared with anyone but family till now involves her actually. When Blakely was only a couple weeks old I was sitting on the ground changing her and just talking and playing with her. She kept looking over my shoulder and smiling which she often would do. I kept telling her to stop talking to friends and talk to me. She just kept staring and was just so happy. I looked at her and the words "are you talking to Michelle" came out of my mouth. Her face lit up like a Christmas tree and I all of a sudden just felt the strongest hug and presence of someone. I knew right then my baby sister was there looking over us and talking to her niece. It brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. Blakely's middle name is Michelle after my sister. I love you sis!!!

At the beginning of August we got a letter on our door saying we have to get out. So I call the number to figure everything out. Basically our now old landlord is a scum bag and has been just taking our rent and keeping it and not paying his mortgage. So he foreclosed. The bank now owns our property. So we don't have a landlord or anything. They told us we have two options. We can get out in 30 days and get $3000. to help us move orrrr we can stay and vacate by 90 days. We would be dumb not to take the money. Dumb part is that we don't get a penny until we have all of our stuff out and the place is clean. It's supposed to be a program to help you move.....but we don't have money. I don't understand how that one works. So as for now we are boxing up and slowly trying to figure things out. We need to be out by August 20. So much fun. NOT!! Its just so stressful. I'm happy and not so happy to move. Happy because there is a lot of drama. I recently received a VERY disturbing email from a bf of a girl who lives in here which use to be a friend. He also sent a more disturbing one to my brother. We still don't understand why he chose my brother. He was pissed because his gf texted me and I told her to delete my number because I don't talk to baby killers. A couple months ago she got an abortion (not the reason for the end of friendship). Now I am VERY VERY VERY against abortion except for one reason which was not at all her reason. I get very heated and feel very strongly against abortions. When I feel as strongly about something like this you're going to know about it. I don't take it lightly. So he got mad because I called her that and a couple days later emailed me. I just basically told him I was just calling it how it is. I'm not the one who murdered a baby. I'm not in the wrong. But I am also sad because I like the house we are in and a friend now lives across from me and her son and Tristan have so much fun together. i don't let Tristan play with anyone else around here but him. If we weren't being kicked out we would stay for as long as we could have.

Tristan had the start of an ear infection last weekend but I took him in before it got bad. He had a really high fever and I was also scared of getting sick post surgery. Now Blakely has thrush. So we are both on meds for that. Joy for that one right? I went to the Dr today for...something that I'm kinda really worried about. But I wont find out anything till the end of the week or Monday. I'm not going to post it here for the whole world so if your curious just figure out another way to ask. I just hope it's all ok. I had a dream a couple months ago regarding it and normally my dreams are what is going to happen in real life.

Blakely is 3 months today :( I honestly do not know who this girl is. She is the complete opposite in every way of Tristan. She sleeps AMAZINGLY!!!! She's a good eater. She poops :D She is so smiley and happy all the time. I am not complaining in anyway. I freaking love this little girl so much. She is my little blessing in disguise.

Tristan is a stinker like always. He went on his first rollercoaster a couple weeks ago and loved it. He has learned how to open doors and snuck downstairs while I was sleeping to pain his toe nails with hot pink polish....and the carpet. He is such a little character and brings entertainment to us daily. I love that little turd nugget!!!!

A couple weeks ago a dear friend Teri Jackson was in Moab in the Colorado River and she started yelling for help. Her boyfriend tried to get to her but he was unable to. She was missing from Friday July 15 till Wednesday July 20. They finally found her body which was a sad thing but also good in the sense that her family could start the moving on process. She battled with drugs, alcohol and mental illness. Although this death was very sad and affected many in a BIG way it was also good that she is finally free of those struggles and can be healed and not have to hurt anymore. My heart goes out to her family everyday. I regret not seeing her more and not having seen her in like a year. I just got too caught up with family life and life in general. Teri was seriously the most colorful bubbly young lady I have ever met. She didn't care what people thought and just lived her life. She defiantly got the most outta life and did a lot before she left us. She was a very talented artist. Her art work is just breath taking!!! Teri I love you and you will always hold a very special place in my heart.

I suck at blogging lately. Yea yea yea I'm a new mom of two now but, I have just honestly been lazy. This post is going to be all over the place. Not in any specific order. Blakely is 2 months old now. Had her 2 month appointment today. Which meant shots :( I was no bueno for either of us. She got home and screamed for a couple hours. I was hard for me. Fourth of July was Great. Tristan is at the fun age where he knows whats going on. He loved/hated fireworks. It took him a couple minutes each time we saw some for him to warm up to them. He LOVED the parade. We didn't wake up for the balloons because...well that was too freaking early. My friend Rebecca did Blakely's newborn pictures when she was 2 weeks. I am absolutely in love with them. John blessed her yesterday, 7-10. It was an amazing blessing. The words that were spoken about my baby girl and her future gave me a lot of different emotions. Good ones but I don't want her to grow up. She is a complete opposite if Tristan. She's a good eater, sleeper and pooper. She sleeps usually from midnightish till anywhere between 6 and 9. As far as Tristan goes, he's been even more of a stinker then usual. He is getting better with Blakely and wanting to help out more. He wants to calm her when she's crying. Give her her binki. Feed her with his "boobies." He wants to carry her downstairs in the morning and doesn't understand why he can't. But then again he has his days where I am asking him to not talk mean about her. I have taken him to a play therapist once and have another appointment this week. The first visit went great and helped with a few issues I have with him. We are making progress slowly each day. He is finally sleeping in his bed and going in there without a battle, most nights. He has learned to open doors, ugh, and so now in the middle of the night he just opens his door and ours and comes in. He got a hair cut about a month ago. His curls were way too crazy. I miss them but they are growing back quick. Enjoy the picture overload in no particular order.